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21 September 2012 @ 10:59 am
I have no words to express how I feel right now...  
Amy updated her Tumblr:


This feels so weird and I feel so bad, wow. I’m so sorry for disappearing for such a long time, I would never do that without saying if it was my choice to make, but my body and hospital believed otherwise.

I’m crying already, my God. I’m so sorry, I don’t know what to say. And I don’t even know for how long I can hold this up. I feel like a horrible person, I’m so sorry.

Of course I’ve got some explaining to do, so here I go again. Sorry in advance if it doesn’t make sense or if some words are wrong. I’m sitting in a very stiff position, because it’s the only way to hold me up, with a lot of pillows and small table over my bed, literally everything needs to be supported. (And omg what’s up with tumblr? Newly decorated!)

So, where should I start? I have not been doing that well and still not doing well. I’m actually still in the dying phase, but today is a good day for me and my nurse noticed that I really needed some time on here. I kept mumbling to her that I needed to get online, so I’m sure I was driving her crazy at one point.

Euhm, I’m still lying in the intensive care with an oxygen mask on my mouth 24 hours a day. Oh gosh, this is all such a long time ago, but they went with a tube inside my stomach to see if there really was an inflammation, but there wasn’t, so it was actually a virus attacking my system. Because of that I got a pneumonia which led to my lung collapsing again because of the pressure. (When I got beaten by those guys a year ago, my lung got pierced through and they put a drain there to hold it together). So, it was leaking air again which led to me not breathing anymore, they had to do an emergency surgery and glued the lung with substance called pleurodese, because a drain would be too risky at this point. But it’s only a temporary solution, because it needs a drain to fully function on it’s own. Omg I’ve been through all this a year ago.

While they were operating they noticed how far the cancer has actually spread, which is a lot. Which is not good. But yeah. We are now waiting for the insurance, which my dad thinks he has solved now and come to terms with. But paper work takes time. And then a lot of surgeries will await me, some very risky and some not. The threatening situation now is my collapsed lung and my body fighting the cancer, which means I could crash any minute. So yeah wow not what you’ve been waiting for. But I hope it made sense somehow?

I haven’t eating anything in days so I look horrible and I have this mask on for like forever and all I can do is mumble or steam the hell out of it haha. I do pretend I’m Bane, yes. I’m in a lot of pain, because of the cancer and the emergency surgery and my lung. And I stop whining now, oh gosh!

My nurse has been awesome, showing me Tom Hardy movies, can’t believe I missed his birthday :( I was so looking forward to it to share the feelings on tumblr. And showing me SPN episodes and just yeah, have been entertaining me. Every day is a victory for me and I’m just glad that I can be here again if maybe just for one day or not. I have over a 100 messages, I have read some of them and just wow, everyone who send messages, you’re all so sweet ;____; and omg Brandon, what’s with all the love?! Amazing human being you. And Dina for all the Tom Hardy pictures and also on his birthday omg, precious you ;__; and just everyone okay! I will try to answer some in time, but I hope you understand that it can take some time ^^; But please know that I read all of them and that they mean so much to me.

And for everyone who is still here, really you are all so amazing. I have so many unfollowers, like so many and I can’t blame them. And I’m sure a lot of people are getting sick and tired of me and all this drama. I know I am. But everyone who has been sticking around, send me messages, just anything, you are amazing and I can’t thank you enough for your support. Woops there go the tears again. I love you all so much ;___;

I still have a lot of stuff in my drafts from when I was here that one day and I will try to stalk some blogs again. I’m sure I missed a lot. I also have so many Tom Hardy GIF’s, I will try to post one GIF set I made. And maybe some Dean too hehe.

I missed so many of you, I just hope that everyone is okay. I hope you’re doing well, I really do. You mean the world to me and in all those dark days, you were the light that kept me going. I can’t thank you enough and can’t tell you enough how much I love you.

Really? People unfollow her only because she´s sick or what? I mean, I have no real idea about Tumblr, but why would anyone do this? Is it too unpleaseant for them to read about sickness and near death situations and surgeries? What the hell?

Amy, I don´t know if you are able to log into LJ too, but - we are all supporting you, praying for you and sending all our love to you. Even if we can´t be with you physically, we are with you every single second! Love you, my sunshine! <333


Tags: , ,
Where I am: at home
How I feel: scaredscared
annj_g80: bambiannj_g80 on September 21st, 2012 09:19 am (UTC)
Wow, I really should stop whining about the weather... *shakeshead*

Thanks for the update on her. She's got my thoughts and prayers.
Andrea: Teddy *huggles*lupina78 on September 21st, 2012 09:30 am (UTC)
Thank you honey.

Yeah, I thought the same, only not whining about the weather, but being unsatisfied with my weight..how damn unimportant my weight is compared to Amy´s struggle for life..

jessm78: Supernatural: Sam/Dean hug in Mystery Spjessm78 on September 21st, 2012 01:19 pm (UTC)
OMG how awful honey, I really have no words for this either. :( Please let Amy know she has my support... she is always in my thoughts... and you too :)
Andrea: Dean/Sam THE huglupina78 on September 21st, 2012 01:49 pm (UTC)
It really is awful. I will let her know for sure. Thank you for your support, sweetheart, it means a lot to me. ♥


aelia1980aelia1980 on September 21st, 2012 02:32 pm (UTC)
Thanks for the update, hon, I was so hoping for a sign of life from Amy. It´s still not very good news, but at least she was strong enough to write, so I take it as a positive sign and I just hope and pray that she will make it.

For people unfollowing her, it happened here on LJ too, which was the reason I think that Amy actually stopped posting that much here. But anyways, no matter where, it´s... I can´t even find a word for what this is because it´s more than disgusting. Really, who does that? I mean, honestly? Come on, are people just friends as long as everything is happy and shiny and the moment you´re sick or need help you turn your back? That´s so sad and it makes me angry and those people should really die of shame...
Andrea: Friendslupina78 on September 22nd, 2012 09:16 am (UTC)
It´s true, I think it´s a "good" sign that she was strong enough to update, too.

I always say that LJ is my happy place, but not because I only want to hear happy and yay! life is awesome!-stuff, no, it´s my happy place because of the wonderful people I met and will meet in the future. It´s connecting with those friends, sharing all their aspects of life, the good, the bad, the ugly, and try to be there for them, as well as I know they will be there for me too.
Those narrow minded people should go over to FB and stay there, if they only want to see updates about "how epic Saturday night had been" or "how much drinking fun I had on my bday party"...it´s disgusting to know that people defriend someone because she/he got sick.
I mean, Amy is the least person to whine or lament about her sickness, but it´s her very right to tell us - even more so, in my case, I WANT to know - how she feels.
I know I can´t do anything to ease the pain, to make the tumor go away, but I can be there for Amy, even if it´s "only" virtually. And..thank God there are a lot of friends that think like me and you.


Sissi: Bridge to nowheredreamers_dh on September 21st, 2012 05:49 pm (UTC)

I still hope for a miracle! She is much too young for everything of this.
Andrea: Teddy *huggles*lupina78 on September 22nd, 2012 09:18 am (UTC)
Same here! I´m not a religious person, but I believe in miracles. They do happen!
She´s definitely too young for all of this, and it´s enough for two life times to go through.
Amy is a brave girl!

Deborah: James - looking downdebris4spike on September 21st, 2012 06:41 pm (UTC)
Andi - Thank you for posting this.

It is terrible to read, but we all need to be reminded that there are genuine people who are struggling and suffering. I pray that Amy gets answers .... and soon.

*hugs* you
Andrea: Friendslupina78 on September 22nd, 2012 09:20 am (UTC)
You´re welcome. I couldn´t NOT post it, since I believe that the more people are aware about her, the more positive thoughts and prayers and well wishes she´s receiving - if only virtually.
Thank you so much for praying for her. ♥
crism79: WC Neal Hold Oncrism79 on September 21st, 2012 11:05 pm (UTC)
Thoughts, prayers and positive vibes for Amy!

Andrea: doggie *love me*lupina78 on September 22nd, 2012 09:21 am (UTC)
Thank you, honey! Together we can make a miracle come true, I know it!

*♥ and kisses*
deanvica23deanvica23 on September 27th, 2012 08:27 pm (UTC)
all my thoughts for amy we thought at her very strong. I havent tumblr. love