from now on.
I usually do follow back, even more so, if your profile page tells me we have at least one or two things in common. :)
“It’s a long way and it’s come to claim her.”
I’ve been listening to that song for the past days now and yeah those two lines stuck to me about my situation. *deep sigh* I’ve been very scared for this moment, to actually talk about it. But I think it’s fair to a lot of people to know what has been the news the doctor’s gave me. So here we go.
To all my new followers and to every follower to be honest, read this if you don’t want to get into drama stuff. Seriously.
Well, it all felt a bit like déjà vu from a couple of months ago, right? The almost dying and surgery and yeah just all that. Karin has been amazing so I see and she has been to me too. I went into surgery and they managed to remove the tumor from my colon, which is really good work of the doctor’s, honestly they are the best. But it doesn’t take away the fact that I still have a very agressive form of cancer which tries to ‘eat’ his way through organs and tissue. I still have a lot of damaged tissue inside of me which is riskful to remove at this point. (You have no idea how long this even took to write and how long I waited to type the next thing. I just.. okay)
With all this knowledge, with all what the doctor’s know they have come to a conclusion which is based on tests and what they have seen in surgery and still with these kind of forms it’s still guessing work, but they try to be as accurate as they can in such cases.
I’m pretty much dying and I have at the least one year to live, but probably months. Chemo could slow down the progress, but that will only buy me one more month, maybe not even that. So, I’ve made the decision to not go with chemo and to spend my days hopefully as much out of the hospital as I can. I need to go to the hospital a lot for tests, to see how it progresses, to see if they can remove more with surgery to get me more comfortable, to help with meds etc.. But yeah one year at the most.
I should change my life goals I think haha, maybe from wanting to make a world trip to make it to next month to see the movie “Lawless” with my babe Tom Hardy <333 and to Christmas when I get to see Anique hopefully again. And just yeah need to change things.
I should stop now because I’m crying rivers here and ugh everything hurts because of that. So yeah, it’s just harsh that with all the figthing I’ve been trying to do. Yeah wait, I should stop. No complaining seriously. Almost hopped on that train! Wow, sorry!
Thank you all so much for your love and support and messages, omg I’ve seen so many already and it’s really incredible how much of you all care and support ;___; I have now to be precise 394 messages, so I don’t think I will answer those, at least not everything, because wow, you guys! But I have an idea how to make up for it. Just know that I read every single one of them. That they are all appreciated and that I couldn’t be more grateful. I should stop I can’t see the screen anymore, it’s all blurred haha!Just yeah, you made me feel so loved, but just know that you are all loved by me too!
Amy has woken up. I still can’t believe it myself nor the doctors. She is however in a lot of pain though. I can see that it’s too much, but she’s stubborn and not letting anyone show. The part that I’ve been worried about is that she hasn’t been talking at all, not a word. The doctor’s think it’s because of the pain or of a deep emotional state she might be in. I don’t know, but it’s scaring the hell out of me. All she has been doing is holding my hand tight while crying silently.
I don’t know what to do other than pop in a tom hardy movie for her. I don’t know her favourite, but hopefully it will help her a bit. Anyway she is awake and we still need to hear the official status of her which will be tomorrow. It can’t be anything good, but we are hopefull nonetheless. She is holding on with what she has left.
That´s my girl! I know how the odds are, but there´s still hope. I only wished I could take away her pain - I´d do it within a heartbeat.
Tons of love,
...let´s hope, Amy continues to fight.
Hello, this is Karin again.
Amy is out of surgery and is now in a deep sleep state. She is not in a coma, but the next 24 hours are crucial. Her heart rate is very slow and can stop any time. Her body has endured a lot last night, which she shouldn’t have gone through in her state but has any way. They did succeed to remove the tumor and some more bad tissue, but fact remains that there is still so much left. If her breathing stops the machines will take it over, but they can’t do that forever. These next hours will be very hard for us because so much depends on it.
The good news is that she isn’t in a coma, she is breathing on her own. And she is young so her heart can pop up sooner than people who aren’t that young. That is all I can give you. I’m very sorry.
This is Karin speaking. I have some bad news, unfortunately Amy’s heart stopped and they are now taking her in for surgery. She wasn’t feeling very well all day, but nothing special, when suddenly she started sweating and couldn’t breathe properly. A few moments ago her heart stopped and she didn’t respond to CPR in any kind of form. When she didn’t wake up they brought her to the surgery room to prep her for an emergency surgery, which will probably lead to removing the tumor from her colon in order to at least have her come back.
It’s a very riskful surgery because she hasn’t been fully healed from the others and they don’t know how much her body can take. She’s been in there for just 10 minutes, so I have no news. I thought she would wanted me to tell you this, just like before, so here I am. However I don’t know if I can or want to be here if they come back with bad news. I hope you’ll understand, but I’ll see what I can do and what I’m up to at that time. For now we can only hope.
Thank you for reading and I’m sorry to bring such sad news.
I honestly don´t know what to write at the moment..I´m sorry..
UPDATE FROM KARIN:
The surgery is still going on, we don’t have any news yet. They’ve only come once to let us know that they got her heart rate back and put her into an induced coma. They are now working hard to remove the tumor and any bad tissue blocking her lungs.The only hope we have is that she will survive the surgery and that she might wake up again. They don’t say much, but we know the looks.
I’m going off the internet now, I’m very sorry, but I can’t stay on the internet for much longer. I will be back tomorrow morning with good or bad news. I’m sure that with any news I’ll get tonight that I’ll need some time. I won’t leave you hanging. Tomorrow morning, I promise.
Guess there´s nothing more we can do besides waiting until tomorrow. Amy, you are in my heart, always.
From a week ago:
* "So, have been going through multiple tests and scans today and they found out that I have a rare and very agressive type of cancer, who attacks all organs and good tissue that comes in their way. Basically I’m dying and it’s going fast.
They don’t know how fast and how long I have, till after the surgery on Monday and after the big one for my tumor at my colon. Then come the possibilities of chemo and how that will help and medicines and all that crap. I’m like a bomb that can explode any minute, but they are pressuring it down with medicines and what more."
* "So, I’m up for my next surgery. It’s happening so fast, this all doesn’t feel real for some reason. Also, I’m still so sore from the previous one and to think that they will cut me open again, uughhh, I think I will cling to the closet with all the morphine after this. Hopefully another surgery I will wake up from."
And waking up, she did! *is in pure joy*
* " I survived yet another surgery, which was close to not surviving, but let’s not talk about that. I’ve been two days in a coma and after those days they wouldn’t let me on for my own good, I’m very sorry about that. My roommates came to see me yesterday, so that was nice. My dad can hopefully come this week.
They removed bad tissue and in a few weeks they will try to remove the tumor on my colon, when I’m strong enough. It’s causing huge problems, so it has to be as fast as possible. I’m in a lot of pain and having the worst headaches which may be caused due to the morphine, so they are being careful with that."
Lots of love,
I know it´s not looking all that good, but as long as there is a chance of her surviving, you´ll see me posting things like:
"Don´t ever stop fighting, Amy!"
I´m not giving up, miracles do happen and they happen to the bravest of us. And Amy definitely is a very brave one. I have no doubt about that.
She is without a doubt the bravest girl I´ve ever known. Not because she´s fearless, no, but because she´s afraid like hell and still keeps on fighting. That´s what I call bravery.
Honey, no matter what lies ahead, don´t ever doubt that it isn´t worth the fight. It always is. I love you.
Some wise words I found on the net..
“Don't be afraid of your fears. They're not there to scare you. They're there to let you know that something is worth it.”
― C. JoyBell C.
“And one has to understand that braveness is not the absence of fear but rather the strength to keep on going forward despite the fear.”
― Paulo Coelho